1. Why are balloons, mommy?
Yes, I’ve totally got this one!
“Balloons are made from a thin piece of rubber called Latex, and they’re shaped so you can blow air into them. When they have air in them, they kinda float.”
I am awesome at parenting!
2. But WHY are balloons, mommy?
Ah, so you noticed I answered what instead of why. My kid is a genius!
“We make balloons because they’re fun to play with and have at parties. Why do you think we make balloons?”
When in doubt, turn it back around on him. Killing it!
3. I think balloons are because bad guys. Why are bad guys, mommy?
Well, okay, that doesn’t make any sense, I take back the genius thing. But maybe I can teach him something valuable here, impart some wisdom.
“Well, sometimes people aren’t very nice. But most people aren’t either all good or all bad.”
Ack! Off course! Do not attempt to discuss human nature with a 3-year-old!
“But sometimes there are people who are just not nice, and the best thing we can do is try to be nice to everyone.”
What the hell was that nonsense? My kid is gonna say such weird shit at daycare. Oh well, I’ll do better with the bad guys question next time.
4. Why balloon no has legs, mommy?
I don’t…what? No LEGS? Why the hell WOULD they have legs, you moron!
“Balloons are toys, honey, not living things. Toys don’t always have legs.”
5. But teddy has legs, mommy. Why teddy has legs but balloon no has legs?
That’s some pretty impressive logic for such a stupid question.
“Because teddy is supposed to look like an animal, and animals have legs, but balloons are just balloons.”
I’m spiraling. Must find an exit soon before I go insane.
6. WAAAAH!Give balloon legs RIGHT NOW, MOMMY!!!!
Shit. I thought I was doing OK. Remember the parenting books – keep calm, acknowledge his feelings, but don’t get caught up in them.
“I’m sorry honey, I see you’re upset. I wish I could give your balloon legs, but I can’t.”
Are we done yet?
7. Balloon (sniffle) NEED (sniffle) LEGS! Why mommy say no?
Breathe. You can do this.
“Because I can’t make a balloon have legs. It’s not POSSIBLE, and it doesn’t MAKE SENSE!
”Rage is leaking, must change the subject!
“Want some ice cream?”
I hate myself.
8. But why, mommy, WHY?
What if I just walk away? Will he follow me? Oh God, I’m the worst parent.
“Because, honey. JUST BECAUSE. Balloons just don’t have legs.
”Oh shit, I totally forgot about balloon animals. Is that next? Is he going to show me some fucking balloon animal in one of his books? And then I have to explain why some balloons have legs and some are motherfucking amputees?
9. Why mommy crying?
Oh, my sweet baby. He’s observant and empathetic.
“Mommy is just fine, honey. Let’s play with your balloon together.”
10. Mommy, why kitty can’t fly?
Oh shit, where’s the cat?
“Why do you ask, honey?”
1. Why are balloons, mommy?